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Eating Whip Cream at 2 a.m.

So honestly is there anything that can help you relieve stress better than getting home after 1 a.m. and beating the crap out of some heavy cream and sugar by hand? I’m sure there are, but at this point in time, its exactly what I needed.

Today started out pretty great,I straightened the Christmas tree and put the lights on, had an amazing homemade brunch with Handsome and Daughter, then kissed them both and ran off to work. Ah, work. Usually my home away from home. I love my job, and I generally adore the people there. Tonight however, it was very difficult to even like a few of them. Let me tell you how my day went from great to please check my temp, I’m pretty sure I’m DONE!!!

So there are three MEN at my work that seem to have a serious problem lately. As I cannot use their real names I will be using fake ones, and give you a slight background on each.

Gusteau (because he is a tiny, angry Frenchman and it makes me happy to think of him as a cartoon). Gusteau was kicked off the line and made “Primary Sanitation Technician” because he seemed to think that the recipes were just “suggestions” and his way was always better. He now cleans the dry goods area, the walk-in, and takes out the trash.

Jalapeno (for hopefully obvious reasons as well as he seems to have a rather large stick stuck somewhere unpleasant, I do hope you get the reference…). Jalapeno is an interesting one. He seems nice to your face and yet behind your back he is definitely NOT. He seems to hang in the stoner crowd, but just at the edge so as not to get his hands dirty. He likes to cook, but will find ways to get out of cleaning as much as possible. He and I work the line together. Meaning we work at stations that are literally right next to each other.

Teflon (things seem to slide off his back he is so nonchalant, and you can’t stick anything to him, nothing is ever his fault). Teflon here is usually a nice guy. He keeps to himself generally and gets his job done, though he is the first one to point a finger if something goes wrong, unfortunately that finger usually points toward me. Mostly because he and I work the line together too.

Sometimes the three of us (Jalapeno, Teflon, and myself) work the two stations together as one. As we did for part of the night tonight. Generally this is not a big problem, we have learned to dance around one another with hot spatulas, throwing burning plates into the busser tub under the grill with a quick “hot behind” or darting “behind” to grab another loaf of bread. (You would not BELIEVE the amount of BREAD we go through!) Generally this is all done with a sense of camaraderie and even a few jokes. Lately though, I feel this wave of resentment coming from them like steam out of a C-VAP. I’m not sure why, maybe they feel betrayed because I’m training for the management position? It could be that they don’t like that I backed off of how much work I was doing. I decided I couldn’t make myself indispensable in my position or they would never promote me. I couldn’t take another “We NEED you in that position, you’re the best we’re got!” I want to move up and I know I could handle it with the right training, so I decided I wasn’t going to do twice as much work as the men anymore.

Now any woman in the industry that has worked in multiple kitchens will tell you that its not equal between men and women. This is not news, especially since this runs rampant in many many different career paths, but I think its more hurtful in a kitchen. The man you work with in a kitchen don’t care about your feelings, or if you get hurt. They don’t just to your rescue if the grease splatters you and you get a nasty burn.They’re pirates, and if you expect to work the line with the best of them, you’ve got to be a pirate too. Just read Blood, Bones, and Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton, an interesting read to be sure, but she does talk a little (okay a VERY little, but its still a good read) about how woman must work harder than men to prove themselves in the kitchen. Like men have sole right to working in the industry and any woman that wants “in the club” so to speak, must earn her place with blood, sweat, and tears, times two! Also see here GAH! It makes me furious sometimes, but on to my point.

Lately Gusteau has been needing an attitude adjustment. Just last week, while he was helping out the Pit, I brought over a few dishes, and asked for some of them as soon as he could, He got angry and said “No” we got into a slight argument that ended with him shouting “F*** YOU!!”.  I think his ban from cooking ANYTHING in the restaurant a few months ago has started to get to him or something. Normally while he isn’t  pleasant he is at the very least tolerating of the work and the people around him. Recently this has changed. He has become angry and basically does what he wants. Today instead of doing his normal job he decided he was going to work in the Prep room and get in the way, while the bog boss ran out to get something we were running short on. As I have no actual authority I couldn’t very well tell him to get back to lugging the rubbish, instead I wound up cleaning the prep area and scrubbing the walk-in floor. Both of which are Gusteau’s regular tasks. Thank goodness Jalapeno was Mid today, or the line wouldn’t have made it while I was cleaning.

Today Jalapeno was mid-shift. He came in at noon and left at eight. No big deal, he is supposed to break people and do some pre-cleaning before he hits the road. We at least I got my break. This generally wouldn’t really upset me too much, I mean I understand that sometimes you get hit at weird times and you just can’t fit in a “switch and wipe” (putting product in clean containers with correct name and date and wiping down the unit) for the rolltops, or even a quick wipeout for the lowboys. I get it, I really truly do, but he has done this two weeks in a row now, where every time he works mid, he has decided he doesn’t have to help us clean anything! Its okay though, right? I still have Teflon today, no big deal, he and I can handle it. HA!

Teflon got cut an hour and a half before closing tonight. He was told “get as much done as you can right now and then beat feet” He took that to mean “barely wrap your station,send the salamander to the pit, make yourself a burger, and beat feet” So not only did I have to do half of Gusteau’s work today I wound up cleaning two stations completely by myself, which wouldn’t have been a huge thing if this type of thing hadn’t been happening more and more in recent weeks. Then to top it all off, I still had to do the after hours snack menu, granted its only one item, but when you find out that one of the key components was thrown out and not replaced and you have to make it on the spot, while running two stations and trying to clean you get a bit frustrated. Then you think “okay its 10:30 and we’re dead, I can get it all cleaned up now, then wait and see if any more orders come in.” Uhhh, NOPE! 10:30:10 BAM! Snack… okay no bog deal its just one. slap it together, plate it up, start cleaning like mad. Okay almost done just the wall and sweep… and BAM! BAM! BAM! Three at once! Well alrighty then, not too bad, but when it comes out to six pieces that you cut in half and plate, and you’re using the flattop AND frying pans and knives, cutting boards, plates, spoons, you realize how much you still have to clean! By the end of it all I was angrily muttering to myself about how Teflon fled in terror at the mention of helping clean and how Jalapeno had slunk away before anyone could stop him. I must have sounded like a mad woman.

Now though, I am home and having beaten beautiful still peaks into that heavy cream and written this very long post I feel that I can take a hot bath (because I am FREEZING!!!!) and then fall into blissful slumber. Goodnight all!

 

 

But it’s a double-edged sword; you get notoriety because you’re a woman, but do you really want the notoriety because you’re a woman? You want to be known just because you are a great chef. – Patricia Yeo

 

 

Hmph!

So lately things have been terribly hectic and tight financially. I have been picking up five and ten dollar Christmas gifts for a few weeks now because I know that this will not change come December and the gift-giving season. Everything is balanced so precariously on “maybe next payday” that I could scream, and what do I happen to see while trying to watch the latest Castle episode on HULU, but a commercial from the post office talking about how someone’s aunt went “off list”.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?! OFF-LIST?!?!?!?! Like the type of present or amount of presents is actually a serious problem these days? Shouldn’t we all just be grateful and happy that someone even thought of us. Someone cared enough to get you a present, even though most of the country is living pay check to pay check. UGH! This is seriously one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. I mean I like a great gift just as much as the next person, though I do like giving more than receiving, but sure, I’d love to get a new Chef’s Knife or a kiln, hell a new pot and pan set sounds amazing, but I’m not expecting them and I’m certainly not going to get upset if I don’t get anything like that. I know that money is tight, I’ve gone years without presents before, some hurt more than others depending on the reason, but I didn’t die because I didn’t get that beautiful bracelet I had seen at the jewelry store that I sometimes stop at to admire the shiny pretties, or the ravioli cutter than I would in all honesty use maybe twice before it started collecting dust and I just cut them by hand again. I guess I just don’t understand all of the hype about getting the “perfect gift” or the “right gift”.

A few years ago, I bought my Mother-In-Law a pretty angel candle holder thing. I found it sweet and nice and it was something that I thought she would like. Turns out she hated it and left it at my house. I still don’t understand. It seems she was hurt that I didn’t know her tastes very well, and felt that I had not put the correct amount of thought into a gift for her. I agonized over what to get her for days before I finally picked up that stupid angel. When I saw it, it had actually reminded me of a memory that I had held special between the two of us, which to be perfect honest there were not many of. Turns out she didn’t even remember.

Is there a rule book somewhere about what to give who? I mean seriously! The holiday season has gotten to be more about the gifts than the actual reason for them. People have become so jaded why don’t we just send the money back and forth. To be perfectly frank I’m sure the money would come in more handy than a new toy or gadget that will be useless in four months. At least that I could use to pay rent or buy groceries.

Now I understand that there are still some folks out there that believe in the Christian Christmas traditions, I however am not one of them. Though I do wish you the very best. I have nothing against your religion or how you perceive the holiday season. My rant has nothing to do with religion what so ever, but then again, even if I did bring religion in to it, wouldn’t it just help make my point?

I guess all I am trying to say, is that the holidays are not about what you get or how much you get. Its about who you spend it with, who you’re thinking about, and who is thinking about you. So gather your loved ones together, both family and friends alike and sit down at the table and enjoy a meal. Talk, laugh, and love one another. Bring the holidays back to where they should be.

 

 

Every lesson I learned as a kid was at the dinner table. Being Greek, Sicilian and Ruthenian – we are an emotional bunch. It is where we laughed, cried and yelled – but most importantly, where we bonded and connected.

Michael Symon

Two Years, Fears, and lots of Tears

Wow, I don’t even know what happened. I don’t know why I thought about this blog tonight, there is certainly a lot on my mind, and this just kind of snuck in there.  I ca’t believe its been over two years since my last entry. I guess Life just got in my way. So much has happened I’m not sure where to start… I guess I’ll start with later in 2013… just to catch you up to speed.

Gramma passed away just a few days after my last post. She is sorely missed and I think about her often. I was watching re-runs of the Addams Family on HULU just the other day and I commented on how much Morticia Addams looks like a young version of Gramma. I still read her recipes and hear her voice telling a story about how she came up with that particular version. I miss you Gramma, its been two years and I still sometimes grab my phone thinking I can call you for advice about food, or raising children, or just to ask how you are doing. I love you.

The Husband came home from deployment I believe in October (maybe November… this is unclear in my mind) and things were rocky between us, but we thought we would try to get through it. In December I graduated with my Associates degree in Culinary Arts. I’m very proud of this. We also bought a house together. After the new year I started looking for a job, but was worried about Daughter staying home alone so much after school. This caused even more fights with Husband and on March 12th, 2013, he told me he wanted a divorce. We were in the marriage counselors office and he told me that he didn’t want to try anymore. He didn’t want to be less selfish, he didn’t find me attractive anymore and that he was no longer in love with me. I felt shattered and lost. I had given him so much. Looking back on it now I feel that it was time. I was holding him back from the life he wanted and he resented me. People around me even resented me. I had recently lost most of my friends in rather well timed coup and I was kind of a miserable person.

I left the marriage counselors office and could barely drive home for the tears falling like a waterfall from my eyes. I called two people, my best friend whom we will call “Fantastic!” (she knows why and that’s all that matters) and Granpa who told me to come home. Fantastic came over to the house that night and helped me pack, I was useless. Sobbing over a man who didn’t want me, resented me, and wished he hadn’t married me. That night I slept on the couch, not wanting to smell his particular scent on the sheets and pillows.

The next day I loaded up Daughter, and Dog into the car and by the afternoon we were in a different state. The next evening we were “home” and I was sleeping alone in a bed I had never thought to sleep alone in. I missed him terribly those first few months. We were supposed to just be taking a break, but the break turned in to “I have a new girlfriend and she is pregnant with my son, I love her.” My world again went up in smoke.

Then he took Daughter for the summer and decided he didn’t need to bring her back and kept her for six months. Had his family serve me with divorce papers, which they did at my work in front of guests… I lost my job.

This was a huge turning point for me, I had lost my marriage, my daughter, and the first job that made me feel something in a long time. That was it. I was done trying to pick myself back up, Karma wanted to hit me again and again when I’m down and out? FINE! WHO CARES!? I’m not getting back up EVER AGAIN! I went into a huge depression. I cried a lot of the time, it didn’t help that the man I was dating at the time went upstate to help out his parents. He was a good man, and I’m not saying any of this was his fault. His family is darling and they hold a special albeit small portion of my heart the way that they welcomed me into their home for a weekend visit November of 2014. But in all honestly, he never had my full attention. I was too absorbed in my misery to really give him what was his due. I was selfish and wanted too much from him who was also just getting out of a long term relationship. We lasted about six months, he even took a trip with me to pick up Daughter from her Father’s, though I feel we would have been a much shorter relationship if he had been closer. My Granpa would have made sure, and if he didn’t my depression would have.

I tried dating for a couple months here and there, turns out Granpa wasn’t all that I thought he was and things got bad there too. He ran off at least two boyfriends and tried to go after a third before I finally left, after finding a few things no one should ever have to see. I had again put my trust in the wrong person, but it gave me the kick that I needed to jump out of the frying pan and almost literally into the fire. Daughter and I Moved in with Handsome in April of 2015. Still couldn’t find a job in the town we were in and it turns out he was having the same problem.

A little background for Handsome and I. We went to High School together too. I was friends with him before I ever met (now EX) Husband. I used to study the math for the next day of class so that I could help Handsome with it. Turns out a few years later we wound up going to the same Culinary School, just different branches. I was in Denver and he was in L.A. Now here we were both graduates (though he got the bachelors and never lets me forget it) with no place to put our skills to good use.

He had a friend from college call him one day with a Sous Chef position in NorCal. We talked about it and less than three weeks after the phone call Daughter was with Grandmother and Handsome and I were on the 5 to NorCal. I managed to find three jobs in two days and Handsome landed a cook position instead of the Sous, “This guy has more experience” they told him.

June 11th, 2015 we officially moved to Norcal and were once again employed. I started on the 19th of June at a brand new 2nd edition (They have another branch in another town) BBQ Joint, I’m still there, going on my sixth month of slinging burgers and sandwiches and loving almost every second of it. Handsome is tired yet employed at a high end steakhouse, currently doing their daily prep. Daughter is back with me and goes to an amazing school. Dog had to find a new home. I miss him terribly and still love him so much. I was having friends watch him, but they decided it was too much for them to handle and me having no other options they found him a good home. I still have trouble talking to those “friends” but I am sure I will eventually get over it. Dog seems to be happy and very well loved and honestly that is all that I can ask for, though I cry every time I see a picture of him. Maybe one day I can get another, but for now I can barely make ends meet as it is. While I may love and adore my job I do NOT love and adore my pay.

So there it is, the last two messy, bloody, tearful years. Right now I am sitting on the couch in the living room studiously typing while Handsome snores on the air mattress that we sleep on Sunday through Thursday so that Daughter can get good uninterrupted sleep for school. I know he hates it, but he loves us both so much that he handles it fairly well. He loves when we get the real bed in the room upstairs on Friday and Saturday nights. Most of the time he is asleep before his head even settles on the pillow. We live in a three bedroom house, but we have roommates. so when Daughter came home from the summer vacation, we had to get creative. We have hopes of getting our own place early next year, when we get our tax refunds. Maybe sooner if I get to go back to school.

OH!! There’s another thing!! I am planning on getting an associates degree in Alternative Medicine with a Specialization in Herbalism! If all goes well I will start classes in January! I’m very excited about this venture. Its one of those things I have been researching for a very long time and I think, paired with my culinary arts degree I can come up with a very interesting restaurant. I already have some plans, but as time progresses I am sure that more plans will come.

This entry has been rather therapeutic this morning. I think I might try to make more of an effort to continue with entries again. Even if there’s no one out there reading this, it helps to get it all out.

 

You have to balance, but you can be aggressive as a chef. It benefits the food. You have to be passionate. You can’t be angry cooking.
Marcus Samuelsson