So much has happened and I feel the need to vent about it. I know its been a really *REALLY* long time since I wrote anything here, but honestly, life got in the way of everything. Again I will try to chronological order for you dear reader, and if not for you then for me, to get my head straight.
September 2016 – April 2017
Things went well. The house was nice, the job at Morimoto Napa was pretty amazing. I learned a lot and I made some really amazing friends, I’ll never forget my time there. WHile I loved working there, I could not keep working as hard as I was without at least a raise and/or a promotion. I was denied either and when there was no room for compromise I turned in my two weeks after finding a new position.
“Handsome” bought a new car without consulting me and we had a huge tiff. I do believe this is where our troubles began.
May 2017
I began a junior sous in training position at an amazing restaurant in Healdsburg called Valette. I loved it so very much and I do believe I learned more there than I have at any other restaurant I have worked at so far in my career. Valette has a garden lot near the restaurant and we would pick fresh tomatoes and peppers to use in the restaurant.
Sometime during this month I got pulled over due to bad tags on the car that my ex husband was supposed to be taking care of in lux of child support. Apparently he hadn’t paid the registration and there was no insurance either and since I never really use my driver’s license (really it NEVER even leaves my wallet) that was also out of date. The officer let me drive the car home, and gave me a court date. I felt blessed that he let me get the car home and vowed to take care of things. I wound up either borrowing “Handsome’s” new car to get back and forth to work or he would drive me and pick me up (which only added to our relationship problems) for a while.
A few days later I came home from work to NO CAR. Apparently Ex husband hadn’t paid ANYTHING on the car. It got repossessed. It just blew up so much.
June 2017
I went looking for my Father, I hadn’t heard from him in a while. We had been talking pretty frequently for a few months, but then, again, he dropped off the face of the Earth. I started trying to think of someone, anyone that might know something. I tend to check up on him occasionally, if only to reassure myself that he is alive. Sometimes I don’t know why I care. He never seemed to bother when I was growing up. If I sound like a bitter 30 something year old, then you hit it right on the mark, because that’s what I am.
Turns out… MY FATHER HAS SIBLINGS AND NO ONE TOLD ME. I’m so angry with him and… everyone. There were people that would have LOVED me. They didn’t even know I EXISTED!!! I found my Uncle on Facebook. He had my Father’s last name. I thought he might be a distant cousin maybe, so I sent him a message and explained who I am. He and his family welcomes Daughter and I with huge, warm, open arms. It’s been pretty amazing having family.
September 2017
I bought myself a brand new Car. I got a blue Ford Fiesta and I call her Tardis. She wasn’t my first choice, but I have fallen in love with her.
October 2017
The Norther California Santa Rosa Firestorm. We were smack dab in the middle of it all. One of the scariest moments of my life. Daughter had gone to a sleepover and we were being evacuated and I couldn’t get the parents on the phone. I wound up banging on their door at 6am screaming for them to give me my kid because we all had to leave town. It was terrifying. We wound up being on voluntary evacuation for three days. On the second day I left Daughter safe with friends and I went to volunteer some time at Sauced BBQ and Spirits in Petaluma. We fed fleeing families and hard working first responders for free. I worked the whole line by myself while “Handsome” helped in other ways.
I will never forget Chef Dustin Valette and I will always do everything I can to show him my support in the future. I worked at Valette until October 31st 2017. I couldn’t get to work because I refused to put a fire between me and Daughter. After the fires ended, taking stock of the business we lost due to the fire and the loss of the upcoming tourist season Dustin had to make the hard decision to lay me off. The poor man actually teared up while he told me he couldn’t afford to pay me anymore.
November 2017 – March 2018
I was on unemployment due to being laid off. “Handsome’s” parents came for Thanksgiving (which actually caused even more troubles in our relationship). Life was starting to get really hard. I was taking on more things at home like cleaning and organizing. “Handsome” made excuses to work more often and started to cheat on me with food. It sounds ridiculous, but its true. Not in a weird sexual way, just in a “I’m going to hide that I am eating two and three cheeseburgers at a time” kind of way. When I would call him out on it there would be huge fights. We stopped being a couple, to the point we didn’t even cuddle and rarely even slept in the same bed, much less other things. We were miserable.
March 2018
I found a job. It was terrible. I worked so hard for so little pay. Two weeks in to this awful job I cut the tip on my finger off. Out of work for two weeks on Workman’s Comp. Didn’t look too good to my new bosses. I went back to work and a week later they “let me go”. Still I landed on my feet. Almost immediately I found a position at Della Fattoria. This beautiful café in Petaluma California. Originally Della Fattoria started out as just a bakery. The bakery that Thomas Keller would buy his breads from before he opened Bouchon Bakery!! I worked at Della for a few months to bide my time until Daughter graduated the 8th grade. I seriously loved Della and I miss it almost everyday. Chef Steph and Chef Aiden are amazing and I learned so much in the short time I was there.
April 2018 – May 2018
Daughter had a great birthday in April. You only turn 14 once a lifetime. We threw her a Harry Potter themed party with all of her Cali friends. I did everything I could to make her last birthday in Cali a great one. I think she had fun 🙂
Daughter also graduated from 8th grade in May. It was a beautiful day, the family from Washington even came! (Ex husband and his parents came as well, they didn’t even stay for lunch. ) Heather had an OK day. It was hard for her that the other side of her family didn’t stay to celebrate her day with her.
June/July 2018
Daughter and I left Cali, hopefully for the last time. I landed a mentorship through the James Beard Foundation’s Women in Culinary Leadership Program. I work for Tom Douglas now, in Seattle. Great company and great benefits. Currently though its so expensive to live here we live with our Uncle and his family. It was only supposed to be for a few months while we got on our feet, but unfortunately “Handsome” left. He came up here with us two weeks after we got here, then two weeks after that he went back to Cali. There are so many reasons. We weren’t a couple anymore, some old friends of mine who also live in Washington didn’t like him and he took it badly, he didn’t like the “limited opportunities” he could find (there were so many, but he didn’t want to look). For the longest time I blamed myself. Sometimes I honestly still do, but he made his own choice. Daughter was devastated. She had been calling him Dad for over a year and he just left. Didn’t look back.
August 2018 – January 2019
I started dating, thinking a quick fling would be nice. I had been in a relationship that wasn’t a relationship for so long I needed to let loose. I made sure Daughter was always taken care of, but I wound up falling in love. I fell for a man I called Bones. Hard and fast and he lived two hours away. Honestly I had picked him for a date *because* he lived two hours away. I thought I would be safe from falling for him. He treated me so much better than any man ever had. He gave me some amazing holidays and the most wonderful birthday. Then told me that he didn’t love me, he couldn’t handle the long distance, he doesn’t know what love really is… so many excuses… Now he is gone and I’m hurting. I don’t understand. I feel unlovable, unworthy of love.
Its now February. I still feel this way. I miss him so very much. Daughter was and is wary of him. Sometimes he and I talk. He had at one point said we should just take a break, but I don’t think I can wait for a 36 year old man to grow up and decide if he actually does love me or not. As much as I love him and his family and his puppers, I can’t just cool my heels and hope that one day he realizes what I mistake it was to leave me. I have to try to move on. I know this. Its just so hard. I still dream of him and sometimes he pops into my head randomly throughout the day. Even when I am completely distracted by work, suddenly he is there and I want to tell him how much I miss him, how hard it is for me to let him go. I barely manage to not message him, by messaging my best friend Shana instead. She has been so helpful in making sure I do not embarrass myself or Bones by begging him to come back to me. He knows how I feel, and that just has to be enough.
For now I am working on my career, spending time with Daughter, and our new found family. I’m getting ready for a work trip to New York city in the next few weeks. I’ll be cooking at the James Beard House for a week. How cool is that?! I might even get the chance to see my sister whom I haven’t seen since 2004. I’m a little scared and a lot nervous, we don’t talk very often. We’ve never been very close. I want to be, I just don’t know how. Family has never been my strong point.
Anyway its now after midnight and its taken me so long to write all of this. There are so many details I’ve missed, I’ll have to either add them later or make another post explaining a lot of the things that skipped over. Goodnight. This vent actually really helped get a lot of my emotions out.
Culinary Chick at Play 