I know its been so long since I last wrote, a year, go figure, that’s about my turn around process for this thing lol. There has been so, so, so much that has happened, I will try to keep it all in order, but I really do this just to vent, so here it goes.
In March of 2019 I went to New York and worked at the James Beard House for a few days. Here is a picture of the wallpaper and a mirror on the first landing. Fancy art photo for the win!
It was beautiful and amazing and I loved every second of it. I met and worked with some amazing Chefs, and learned a lot, mostly about my own abilities and how I have to stop underestimating myself. This is still something I do, but not to the same extent I did before.
This trip was one of the most rewarding and inspirational moments of my life and I’ll never forget the amazing times I had while in New York. I don’t have pictures of everything, but I have other amazing mementos. I even got to see my sister and her kiddos!! It was wonderful to connect with her and to meet her kids. Her oldest is going to the CIA! I really hope that he and I can talk and build a relationship around food. I would love a relationship with all of them, but I’m just the estranged Aunt, so maybe one day we’ll see.
Also in March I started working at Dahlia Lounge in Seattle, as a line cook!! I was on the “Hot Apps” station!! They let me CREATE dishes and then they PUT THEM ON THE MENU!!! It was so amazing and while it did create tension between me and another cook (one who had been there longer and felt I hadn’t paid my dues) it was wonderful. I had a green chickpea and spinach hummus topped with pickled red onions, onion seeds, and mustard greens (on the left) and an asparagus relish topped with shaved asparagus and chive blossoms (on the right). These sold fairly well at first.
Then after a few weeks there was a burrata (which is cheese stuffed inside of another cheese) topped with macerated strawberries (in white balsamic) with black pepper, hazelnuts, and scallions.
Life was pretty grand. I was also making some of the salads and a sandwich. Then the mass exodus happened. Four people quit within a month. The entire morning crew, save myself, was suddenly gone. I was moved to the retail line, where its just making sandwiches to go out the bakery counter all day from 730 am to 2 pm. Non stop. Three kinds of breakfast sandwiches, two kinds of grilled cheese. Not to mention frying the donuts. Some days we sell over 100 sandwiches, with only one person manning the line. Me. Or the other person who worked retail as well, when I was on my days off. Things sucked for a little while. Its hard work, and sometimes three and four tickets come in right after the other and they only have a max of five minutes to get out the door. I eventually came to love it, but it was a struggle.
In April, I met someone… (here we go again). I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I was looking for someone fun that I could hang out with. Then I promptly fell for him. Figures. We had been together 11 months… now its quits… again. He has a daughter, she is so precious, almost 18 months old. I adore her so much. I love him in spite of his flaws, and I know he has a lot on his plate. Now he is telling me “I don’t have the energy or the bandwidth to be what you want, need, or deserve.” (Paraphrasing here…), I keep telling myself that this is not because I’m unwanted. This is not because my parents didn’t want me, or because no one else has wanted me. This is not because I am broken. This is not because I am unlovable. But that voice is getting smaller and smaller. Driving back to Seattle from Portland that day, there were so many times I thought of just letting go of the wheel and seeing where I ended up. In a wall… a ditch… who knows. The only thing stopping me was my love for the kiddo and sheer stubbornness that I can’t let these people win.
I had been happily working for Tom Douglas here in Seattle for almost two years, but I’ve struggling for a couple of months. I was recently passed over for a promotion, which is really upsetting, but as I don’t own a penis, it makes sense. Its really difficult to make it in the culinary world as a woman. I have however, made it to Lead Line Cook and Trainer, which while nice, doesn’t have the same ring to it that “Kitchen Lead” has. The person who got the job was a friend, someone I trusted, which made it doubly hard to deal with. Management did give me a “consolation prize” I get to come up with a special sandwich every Friday. The first week I did a chicken fried oyster po’boy with a thyme tarragon dijionaisse and pickled cabbage, I sold six. Last week it was a brined chicken, with a cilantro creme, pickled red onion and arugula, I sold ELEVEN! I know those numbers sound low, but when you have a max that you can sell of 14, I think I did pretty damn good, and I got that stupid crab cake sandwich off the menu finally! It had been there for WEEKS, and while it sold decently, it was time for a change.
So even though I now make more money than I ever have in my life, it is still not enough to get me and the kiddo into our own apartment in the area that we live in. Since I would rather stop mooching off of family, the kiddo and I seem to need to move again. I feel terrible, I’ve been doing everything I can, taking multiple jobs, doing odd jobs, working full time and as much OT as I could physically handle. Some days are easier than others. My body does not always have the same stamina that my mind says it does.
So I applied at John Gorham’s restaurants in Portland (even though that guy and I were still together at the time I applied, I don’t move for men, I move for jobs, now that we’re not together I would still make the move). Its a roving sous chef type position, and I would be amazing at it. I flew through the initial interview and then again the stage interview, where I worked at two of Gorham’s restaurants. It was amazing and I had such a great time!
Then, because of our tyrannical leader, and his inability to think of anyone but his bottom line, an outbreak has completely shut down the entire country and about 99% of the food industry in the ENTIRE COUNTRY! I wasn’t able to hear back from Gorham, and I got laid off from Tom Douglas… So now we’re stuck here mooching off family for even longer. I’ve been trying so hard to get on my feet.a Now a lot of people would just give up and wait for the unemployment checks to roll in, I mean its not like I can find anything in my field… all of the restaurants are shut aside from take out and delivery and hopefully they are giving those few jobs to their most loyal workers. Instead, I tried DoorDash… not a great company… the tips are atrocious and the people are fairly rude. So I pouted for a couple days and applied to an Amazon warehouse, but to be honest, I don’t want to work for Amazon, or as far away from home as where the warehouse is, so I also applied to one of the grocery stores. With everything going on I figured this was the best way I could help my community and still have work until this pandemic runs its course. I’ll be working in the bakery department at journeyman pay because of all of my experience. Normally they don’t let you start out at that high of pay, but because I have so much experience and they are hurting for workers they are making an exception. So at least I’ll have a job. Its not my dream job, but it will help my community, and that’s just as important.
I guess the moral of this story is “Just keep swimming” only instead of swimming in water, I feel like I’m wading through a mud slide that keeps climbing. Three serious heart breaks in three years is pretty much my limit. I learned from each of these men, that people will always hurt you if you let them in. People take advantage of someone who loves and gives without reservation. Pretty sure I won’t be dating or following through with my hopes of getting married and having more babies… It hurts giving up on a dream, even if most people would think its a silly dream. It’s fine though, I’ll figure out life without a partner. I don’t need one. I’ve got food, my kiddo and the cat. What else could I possibly need?
“We go through our careers and things happen to us. Those experiences made me what I am.”
Thomas Keller
Culinary Chick at Play 