I can’t believe its been over three years since I last used this forum. Spouting the cliché “I don’t even know where to begin” would be silly as the best place to start is ALWAYS the beginning…
Last time I was on here (though I’ve thought about writing often) COVID -19 had just shut down the entire food industry. I was lost, sent adrift. I worked at the Grocery store for about a year, but so much happened in that time. Now if you remember I just had yet another heartbreak, so my interest in men or relationships was non existent. I just wanted to work, and find a way to keep my head above water. Maybe make some friends. Try to figure out life. Then of course my first day after orientation the man that checks my temperature every morning at 4am when I report to work is cuuuuute. Granted, I can’t see his WHOLE face, just his kind hazel eyes. Oh boy am I sucker for kind eyes and a baseball cap. We would talk every morning as he walked me to my department, on his way to the break room as he worked the graveyard shift. This started very early in April and I realized quickly how easily I could fall and while I remained friends, I looked at other avenues to find some company, someone to just hang out with, someone who was locationally unavailable, and therefore someone that would make it completely ridiculous to fall for.
I found someone in Canada that within a month was insisting that I move myself and my child there, I bounced out fast. Then I found someone in Milton that wanted me to be the only person travelling to visit, and wouldn’t let me sing in the car. Now I am not saying that I am great at singing, I’m out of practice and without someone else there match my notes to, I’m hopeless, but lets face it, who cares if you’re just in a car, singing along to your favorite songs? This man went so far as to tell me he never lets anyone else sing in the car, its him or no one, and proceeds to start blaring a song that just repeats the phrase “I’m the man I’m the man”. Noped out of that one too.
Though to be honest there was also another reason. Remember that guy in the beginning? The cute one with the kind eyes, yeah this whole time he was sweet, attentive, and a seriously wonderful friend. We were talking the beginning of June in 2020, about online dating and how terrible it is. Can you believe he ad never tried? He had been alone for eight years. Dating wasn’t his top priority, his son and his job were. Holy cow, did I finally find a decent human? He had spent April and May talking to me on our way to my department. We were getting to know each other on the surface and were becoming really great friends. I was telling him how much I hate being single, I want someone to DO things with, I hate doing things alone and I commented that I had hoped he was single. He was so shocked he stopped midstride, and thought for a second before replying “I am single.” Like he was just realizing that fact in that moment. I replied “Well you know where I work…” he says “Yes I do…” Then he DISAPPEARED FOR THREE DAYS!!! I was terrified, was I going to get into trouble for asking a guy if he was single? I could lose my job! Is this considered sexual harassment?? He finally comes back to work, but he wasn’t the one checking temperatures that morning. I randomly saw him on the sales floor and I stopped to chat, make sure I hadn’t made him uncomfortable. Turns out he had the flu. Later that day he stops by the bakery and asks for my number and a date, I made sure to explain that I had just recently went on a date (the guy in Milton) and I wasn’t planning on going exclusive with anyone for a while (which also means no bedroom playtime), and if he was ok with that I would love to go out with him. He agreed. We picked a time for a couple weeks from then to go and have coffee, then a few days later I decided that wasn’t soon enough. I asked him to go to lunch with me. We grabbed lunch and took it to a park, we must have talked for five hours, just walking the park, but honestly I was the one talking. He was so quiet. As the date was winding down I told him I had to be honest, I didn’t see us long term, I needed someone to bounce off of, and at times to stand up to me. His reply “But… I love you.” Ummmm…. what? No… stop. You can’t Ted Mosby me and expect me to stick around. I told him he was very sweet, and we could be great friends, but there was no way we should be dating. I even told him I would help him find a date.
So we signed him up for all the apps, and I explained what each one was for superficially. We still maintained our friendship and he would listen to me when I complained about men, and we would sit and swipe his dating apps together on the couch in the break room. I told him I shouldn’t be doing that, I didn’t even know his type. This man pulled out the BEST line with the absolute smoothest delivery, “You don’t know my type? You’re my type.” You could have blown me down for sure. I like to think I played it cool in the moment, but damn have I played that moment over and over in my mind. By this time I was already getting over the guy in Milton, and while it took me another few weeks, thinking that Kind Eyes was going away on a month long vacation, which would certainly cool the jets as it were. Once he got back from his vacation, I couldn’t stay away.
We’ve been together for three years now, married for two, and he made my dreams come true. He gave my not only his heart, but an amazing, bright, inquisitive little boy who brings our family to five. He was born five weeks early in September of 2021. He is amazingly sweet and we are all so grateful to have him.
In that time we have moved twice (me three times as I moved in with him first), I left my job at the grocery store, became ASM for a breakfast restaurant in a town near ours, then a FOH Manager for RUTH’S CHRIS STEAKHOUSE in Seattle. I had finally made the dream team. That turned out to be anything but… This place was falling apart when I got there and probably still is. Guests walking out without paying constantly, racial accusations against the GM, fights within the management team as one GM steps down for a more advisory role and the man taking his place is… well… lets just say he was not designed for the role. I had my hands full trying to just get the place back on an even keel. Then in January I was hit a hard blow.
As so many adults I had let my health sit on the counter, I can’t even say back burner, because lets face it, you have to have room on the stove. In August of 2022 I had noticed that a mole on my arm had been growing, but I didn’t have time to get to a Dr. I was busy working my way through the restaurant industry. Then in December I realized it had grown to be about a full centimeter high and at least as round as a dime. I called and made the appointment. The whole time the doctors are telling me its probably nothing, just a blastoma, etc. but to be safe we should remove it, January comes, they can’t shave it all off, there seems to be something like a splinter in there, the doctor can feel it clicking against her tools. She takes what she can and sends it for testing. Beginning of February the call comes, its an aggressive cancer, and I need to get surgery asap, but due to the size I also need a plastic surgeon present. I took a leave of absence from work that eventually just turned into me leaving and not returning. March first I have surgery, they took 4 centimeters in diameter from my left forearm. Plus three lymph nodes under my arm, and a cyst. Two of the three lymph nodes were positive for cancer. Now I’m at stage III Nodular Melanoma… then more tests. MRI and PET Scans to make sure that its just in those locations. A week later its worse. I’m Stage IV with cancer in my brain, clavicle, forearm, and at least one new lymph node. Time to start chemo medication, and one precision radiation treatment for my brain, but while the insurance approved for me to receive a port implant for the chemo infusions, they denied the actual medication the port is needed for…? So I started taking oral chemo pills that made my body hurt like it had been repeatedly beaten (and yes I DO know exactly how that feels), my headache barely ever went away, the doctors prescribed lots of opioids, but I’m terrified of them, so I never took them. Edibles worked just as well for the headaches, and they helped me get some sleep.
The end of August of this year I have another dermatology appointment and they find that some of the cancer is not responding to the oral chemo pills anymore. Now they have an excuse to switch me to the Immunotherapy Infusions that the insurance can’t deny. Not to mention the survival rate and preventative rates are much better.
The relative survival rate for the Oral Chemotherapy pills is 27% over five years. I had a 27% chance of surviving past the next five years and it not recurring on that medication. Now on this new medication I have around a 50% chance. Those are much better odds to keep me here to help raise my son and to see my eldest through more of their life. I need to be here for my kids, for my husband, and to think that someone at some insurance firm was able to bring my life down to basic numbers and decide that I was not worth the money to keep me alive. Now I’ve had the first round of infusion, they make me feel just as bad as the other meds, but in different ways. My body doesn’t hurt as bad, but now I just don’t want to eat. My psoriasis is attacking the hell out of me and I’m having trouble sleeping. Some times I have trouble catching my breath and other times I can’t be more than 10 feet from a restroom. They’re also talking about another surgery to get the spot that wasn’t responding to the oral chemo pills.
Now I’ve decided that wasting my time in the food industry is not for me. No more super long shifts, giving my life to my job, I need to be here for my family. I don’t know exactly what I’ll do just yet, I’ve had thoughts of selling pottery, which my wonderful Husband has embraced with me whole heartedly, but who knows. For now I just need to rest and heal. I want to be present, but I can’t help but feel this first half of my life has been a waste.
I’m tired now, need to rest again. I’ll probably write more later in more detail. Maybe after I get some sleep.
Culinary Chick at Play 