Three and a half years, three and a half jobs, three and a half homes…

I can’t believe its been over three years since I last used this forum. Spouting the cliché “I don’t even know where to begin” would be silly as the best place to start is ALWAYS the beginning…

Last time I was on here (though I’ve thought about writing often) COVID -19 had just shut down the entire food industry. I was lost, sent adrift. I worked at the Grocery store for about a year, but so much happened in that time. Now if you remember I just had yet another heartbreak, so my interest in men or relationships was non existent. I just wanted to work, and find a way to keep my head above water. Maybe make some friends. Try to figure out life. Then of course my first day after orientation the man that checks my temperature every morning at 4am when I report to work is cuuuuute. Granted, I can’t see his WHOLE face, just his kind hazel eyes. Oh boy am I sucker for kind eyes and a baseball cap. We would talk every morning as he walked me to my department, on his way to the break room as he worked the graveyard shift. This started very early in April and I realized quickly how easily I could fall and while I remained friends, I looked at other avenues to find some company, someone to just hang out with, someone who was locationally unavailable, and therefore someone that would make it completely ridiculous to fall for.

I found someone in Canada that within a month was insisting that I move myself and my child there, I bounced out fast. Then I found someone in Milton that wanted me to be the only person travelling to visit, and wouldn’t let me sing in the car. Now I am not saying that I am great at singing, I’m out of practice and without someone else there match my notes to, I’m hopeless, but lets face it, who cares if you’re just in a car, singing along to your favorite songs? This man went so far as to tell me he never lets anyone else sing in the car, its him or no one, and proceeds to start blaring a song that just repeats the phrase “I’m the man I’m the man”. Noped out of that one too.

Though to be honest there was also another reason. Remember that guy in the beginning? The cute one with the kind eyes, yeah this whole time he was sweet, attentive, and a seriously wonderful friend. We were talking the beginning of June in 2020, about online dating and how terrible it is. Can you believe he ad never tried? He had been alone for eight years. Dating wasn’t his top priority, his son and his job were. Holy cow, did I finally find a decent human? He had spent April and May talking to me on our way to my department. We were getting to know each other on the surface and were becoming really great friends. I was telling him how much I hate being single, I want someone to DO things with, I hate doing things alone and I commented that I had hoped he was single. He was so shocked he stopped midstride, and thought for a second before replying “I am single.” Like he was just realizing that fact in that moment. I replied “Well you know where I work…” he says “Yes I do…” Then he DISAPPEARED FOR THREE DAYS!!! I was terrified, was I going to get into trouble for asking a guy if he was single? I could lose my job! Is this considered sexual harassment?? He finally comes back to work, but he wasn’t the one checking temperatures that morning. I randomly saw him on the sales floor and I stopped to chat, make sure I hadn’t made him uncomfortable. Turns out he had the flu. Later that day he stops by the bakery and asks for my number and a date, I made sure to explain that I had just recently went on a date (the guy in Milton) and I wasn’t planning on going exclusive with anyone for a while (which also means no bedroom playtime), and if he was ok with that I would love to go out with him. He agreed. We picked a time for a couple weeks from then to go and have coffee, then a few days later I decided that wasn’t soon enough. I asked him to go to lunch with me. We grabbed lunch and took it to a park, we must have talked for five hours, just walking the park, but honestly I was the one talking. He was so quiet. As the date was winding down I told him I had to be honest, I didn’t see us long term, I needed someone to bounce off of, and at times to stand up to me. His reply “But… I love you.” Ummmm…. what? No… stop. You can’t Ted Mosby me and expect me to stick around. I told him he was very sweet, and we could be great friends, but there was no way we should be dating. I even told him I would help him find a date.

So we signed him up for all the apps, and I explained what each one was for superficially. We still maintained our friendship and he would listen to me when I complained about men, and we would sit and swipe his dating apps together on the couch in the break room. I told him I shouldn’t be doing that, I didn’t even know his type. This man pulled out the BEST line with the absolute smoothest delivery, “You don’t know my type? You’re my type.” You could have blown me down for sure. I like to think I played it cool in the moment, but damn have I played that moment over and over in my mind. By this time I was already getting over the guy in Milton, and while it took me another few weeks, thinking that Kind Eyes was going away on a month long vacation, which would certainly cool the jets as it were. Once he got back from his vacation, I couldn’t stay away.

We’ve been together for three years now, married for two, and he made my dreams come true. He gave my not only his heart, but an amazing, bright, inquisitive little boy who brings our family to five. He was born five weeks early in September of 2021. He is amazingly sweet and we are all so grateful to have him.

In that time we have moved twice (me three times as I moved in with him first), I left my job at the grocery store, became ASM for a breakfast restaurant in a town near ours, then a FOH Manager for RUTH’S CHRIS STEAKHOUSE in Seattle. I had finally made the dream team. That turned out to be anything but… This place was falling apart when I got there and probably still is. Guests walking out without paying constantly, racial accusations against the GM, fights within the management team as one GM steps down for a more advisory role and the man taking his place is… well… lets just say he was not designed for the role. I had my hands full trying to just get the place back on an even keel. Then in January I was hit a hard blow.

As so many adults I had let my health sit on the counter, I can’t even say back burner, because lets face it, you have to have room on the stove. In August of 2022 I had noticed that a mole on my arm had been growing, but I didn’t have time to get to a Dr. I was busy working my way through the restaurant industry. Then in December I realized it had grown to be about a full centimeter high and at least as round as a dime. I called and made the appointment. The whole time the doctors are telling me its probably nothing, just a blastoma, etc. but to be safe we should remove it, January comes, they can’t shave it all off, there seems to be something like a splinter in there, the doctor can feel it clicking against her tools. She takes what she can and sends it for testing. Beginning of February the call comes, its an aggressive cancer, and I need to get surgery asap, but due to the size I also need a plastic surgeon present. I took a leave of absence from work that eventually just turned into me leaving and not returning. March first I have surgery, they took 4 centimeters in diameter from my left forearm. Plus three lymph nodes under my arm, and a cyst. Two of the three lymph nodes were positive for cancer. Now I’m at stage III Nodular Melanoma… then more tests. MRI and PET Scans to make sure that its just in those locations. A week later its worse. I’m Stage IV with cancer in my brain, clavicle, forearm, and at least one new lymph node. Time to start chemo medication, and one precision radiation treatment for my brain, but while the insurance approved for me to receive a port implant for the chemo infusions, they denied the actual medication the port is needed for…? So I started taking oral chemo pills that made my body hurt like it had been repeatedly beaten (and yes I DO know exactly how that feels), my headache barely ever went away, the doctors prescribed lots of opioids, but I’m terrified of them, so I never took them. Edibles worked just as well for the headaches, and they helped me get some sleep.

The end of August of this year I have another dermatology appointment and they find that some of the cancer is not responding to the oral chemo pills anymore. Now they have an excuse to switch me to the Immunotherapy Infusions that the insurance can’t deny. Not to mention the survival rate and preventative rates are much better.

The relative survival rate for the Oral Chemotherapy pills is 27% over five years. I had a 27% chance of surviving past the next five years and it not recurring on that medication. Now on this new medication I have around a 50% chance. Those are much better odds to keep me here to help raise my son and to see my eldest through more of their life. I need to be here for my kids, for my husband, and to think that someone at some insurance firm was able to bring my life down to basic numbers and decide that I was not worth the money to keep me alive. Now I’ve had the first round of infusion, they make me feel just as bad as the other meds, but in different ways. My body doesn’t hurt as bad, but now I just don’t want to eat. My psoriasis is attacking the hell out of me and I’m having trouble sleeping. Some times I have trouble catching my breath and other times I can’t be more than 10 feet from a restroom. They’re also talking about another surgery to get the spot that wasn’t responding to the oral chemo pills.

Now I’ve decided that wasting my time in the food industry is not for me. No more super long shifts, giving my life to my job, I need to be here for my family. I don’t know exactly what I’ll do just yet, I’ve had thoughts of selling pottery, which my wonderful Husband has embraced with me whole heartedly, but who knows. For now I just need to rest and heal. I want to be present, but I can’t help but feel this first half of my life has been a waste.

I’m tired now, need to rest again. I’ll probably write more later in more detail. Maybe after I get some sleep.

Not another Damn Heartbreak … Not another damn move… Not another damn job…

I know its been so long since I last wrote, a year, go figure, that’s about my turn around process for this thing lol. There has been so, so, so much that has happened, I will try to keep it all in order, but I really do this just to vent, so here it goes.

In March of 2019 I went to New York and worked at the James Beard House for a few days. Here is a picture of the wallpaper and a mirror on the first landing. Fancy art photo for the win!

It was beautiful and amazing and I loved every second of it. I met and worked with some amazing Chefs, and learned a lot, mostly about my own abilities and how I have to stop underestimating myself. This is still something I do, but not to the same extent I did before.

This trip was one of the most rewarding and inspirational moments of my life and I’ll never forget the amazing times I had while in New York. I don’t have pictures of everything, but I have other amazing mementos. I even got to see my sister and her kiddos!! It was wonderful to connect with her and to meet her kids. Her oldest is going to the CIA! I really hope that he and I can talk and build a relationship around food. I would love a relationship with all of them, but I’m just the estranged Aunt, so maybe one day we’ll see.

Also in March I started working at Dahlia Lounge in Seattle, as a line cook!! I was on the “Hot Apps” station!! They let me CREATE dishes and then they PUT THEM ON THE MENU!!! It was so amazing and while it did create tension between me and another cook (one who had been there longer and felt I hadn’t paid my dues) it was wonderful. I had a green chickpea and spinach hummus topped with pickled red onions, onion seeds, and mustard greens (on the left) and an asparagus relish topped with shaved asparagus and chive blossoms (on the right). These sold fairly well at first.

Then after a few weeks there was a burrata (which is cheese stuffed inside of another cheese) topped with macerated strawberries (in white balsamic) with black pepper, hazelnuts, and scallions.

Life was pretty grand. I was also making some of the salads and a sandwich. Then the mass exodus happened. Four people quit within a month. The entire morning crew, save myself, was suddenly gone. I was moved to the retail line, where its just making sandwiches to go out the bakery counter all day from 730 am to 2 pm. Non stop. Three kinds of breakfast sandwiches, two kinds of grilled cheese. Not to mention frying the donuts. Some days we sell over 100 sandwiches, with only one person manning the line. Me. Or the other person who worked retail as well, when I was on my days off. Things sucked for a little while. Its hard work, and sometimes three and four tickets come in right after the other and they only have a max of five minutes to get out the door. I eventually came to love it, but it was a struggle.

In April, I met someone… (here we go again). I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I was looking for someone fun that I could hang out with. Then I promptly fell for him. Figures. We had been together 11 months… now its quits… again. He has a daughter, she is so precious, almost 18 months old. I adore her so much. I love him in spite of his flaws, and I know he has a lot on his plate. Now he is telling me “I don’t have the energy or the bandwidth to be what you want, need, or deserve.” (Paraphrasing here…), I keep telling myself that this is not because I’m unwanted. This is not because my parents didn’t want me, or because no one else has wanted me. This is not because I am broken. This is not because I am unlovable. But that voice is getting smaller and smaller. Driving back to Seattle from Portland that day, there were so many times I thought of just letting go of the wheel and seeing where I ended up. In a wall… a ditch… who knows. The only thing stopping me was my love for the kiddo and sheer stubbornness that I can’t let these people win.

I had been happily working for Tom Douglas here in Seattle for almost two years, but  I’ve struggling for a couple of months. I was recently passed over for a promotion, which is really upsetting, but as I don’t own a penis, it makes sense. Its really difficult to make it in the culinary world as a woman. I have however, made it to Lead Line Cook and Trainer, which while nice, doesn’t have the same ring to it that “Kitchen Lead” has. The person who got the job was a friend, someone I trusted, which made it doubly hard to deal with. Management did give me a “consolation prize” I get to come up with a special sandwich every Friday. The first week I did a chicken fried oyster po’boy with a thyme tarragon dijionaisse and pickled cabbage, I sold six. Last week it was a brined chicken, with a cilantro creme, pickled red onion and arugula, I sold ELEVEN! I know those numbers sound low, but when you have a max that you can sell of 14, I think I did pretty damn good, and I got that stupid crab cake sandwich off the menu finally! It had been there for WEEKS, and while it sold decently, it was time for a change. 

So even though I now make more money than I ever have in my life, it is still not enough to get me and the kiddo into our own apartment in the area that we live in. Since I would rather stop mooching off of family, the kiddo and I seem to need to move again. I feel terrible, I’ve been doing everything I can, taking multiple jobs, doing odd jobs, working full time and as much OT as I could physically handle. Some days are easier than others. My body does not always have the same stamina that my mind says it does. 

So I applied at John Gorham’s restaurants in Portland (even though that guy and I were still together at the time I applied, I don’t move for men, I move for jobs, now that we’re not together I would still make the move). Its a roving sous chef type position, and I would be amazing at it. I flew through the initial interview and then again the stage interview, where I worked at two of Gorham’s restaurants. It was amazing and I had such a great time!

Then, because of our tyrannical leader, and his inability to think of anyone but his bottom line, an outbreak has completely shut down the entire country and about 99% of the food industry in the ENTIRE COUNTRY!  I wasn’t able to hear back from Gorham, and I got laid off from Tom Douglas… So now we’re stuck here mooching off family for even longer. I’ve been trying so hard to get on my feet.a Now a lot of people would just give up and wait for the unemployment checks to roll in, I mean its not like I can find anything in my field… all of the restaurants are shut aside from take out and delivery and hopefully they are giving those few jobs to their most loyal workers. Instead, I tried DoorDash… not a great company… the tips are atrocious and the people are fairly rude. So I pouted for a couple days and applied to an Amazon warehouse, but to be honest, I don’t want to work for Amazon, or as far away from home as where the warehouse is, so I also applied to one of the grocery stores. With everything going on I figured this was the best way I could help my community and still have work until this pandemic runs its course.  I’ll be working in the bakery department at journeyman pay because of all of my experience. Normally they don’t let you start out at that high of pay, but because I have so much experience and they are hurting for workers they are making an exception. So at least I’ll have a job. Its not my dream job, but it will help my community, and that’s just as important.

I guess the moral of this story is “Just keep swimming” only instead of swimming in water, I feel like I’m wading through a mud slide that keeps climbing. Three serious heart breaks in three years is pretty much my limit. I learned from each of these men, that people will always hurt you if you let them in. People take advantage of someone who loves and gives without reservation. Pretty sure I won’t be dating or following through with my hopes of getting married and having more babies… It hurts giving up on a dream, even if most people would think its a silly dream. It’s fine though, I’ll figure out life without a partner. I don’t need one. I’ve got food, my kiddo and the cat. What else could I possibly need?

 

“We go through our careers and things happen to us. Those experiences made me what I am.”
Thomas Keller

Fires, Moving, Heartbreak, Work, Heartbreak

So much has happened and I feel the need to vent about it. I know its been a really *REALLY* long time since I wrote anything here, but honestly, life got in the way of everything. Again I will try to chronological order for you dear reader, and if not for you then for me, to get my head straight.

September 2016 – April 2017

Things went well. The house was nice, the job at Morimoto Napa was pretty amazing. I learned a lot and I made some really amazing friends, I’ll never forget my time there. WHile I loved working there, I could not keep working as hard as I was without at least a raise and/or a promotion. I was denied either and when there was no room for compromise I turned in my two weeks after finding a new position.

“Handsome” bought a new car without consulting me and we had a huge tiff. I do believe this is where our troubles began.

May 2017

I began a junior sous in training position at an amazing restaurant in Healdsburg called Valette. I loved it so very much and I do believe I learned more there than I have at any other restaurant I have worked at so far in my career. Valette has a garden lot near the restaurant and we would pick fresh tomatoes and peppers to use in the restaurant.

Sometime during this month I got pulled over due to bad tags on the car that my ex husband was supposed to be taking care of in lux of child support. Apparently he hadn’t paid the registration and there was no insurance either and since I never really use my driver’s license (really it NEVER even leaves my wallet) that was also out of date. The officer let me drive the car home, and gave me a court date. I felt blessed that he let me get the car home and vowed to take care of things. I wound up either borrowing “Handsome’s” new car to get back and forth to work or he would drive me and pick me up (which only added to our relationship problems) for a while.

A few days later I came home from work to NO CAR. Apparently Ex husband hadn’t paid ANYTHING on the car. It got repossessed. It just blew up so much.

June 2017

I went looking for my Father, I hadn’t heard from him in a while. We had been talking pretty frequently for a few months, but then, again, he dropped off the face of the Earth. I started trying to think of someone, anyone that might know something. I tend to check up on him occasionally, if only to reassure myself that he is alive. Sometimes I don’t know why I care. He never seemed to bother when I was growing up. If I sound like a bitter 30 something year old, then you hit it right on the mark, because that’s what I am.

Turns out… MY FATHER HAS SIBLINGS AND NO ONE TOLD ME. I’m so angry with him and… everyone. There were people that would have LOVED me. They didn’t even know I EXISTED!!! I found my Uncle on Facebook. He had my Father’s last name. I thought he might be a distant cousin maybe, so I sent him a message and explained who I am.  He and his family welcomes Daughter and I with huge, warm, open arms. It’s been pretty amazing having family.

 

September 2017

I bought myself a brand new Car. I got a blue Ford Fiesta and I call her Tardis. She wasn’t my first choice, but I have fallen in love with her.

October 2017

The Norther California Santa Rosa Firestorm. We were smack dab in the middle of it all. One of the scariest moments of my life. Daughter had gone to a sleepover and we were being evacuated and I couldn’t get the parents on the phone. I wound up banging on their door at 6am screaming for them to give me my kid because we all had to leave town. It was terrifying. We wound up being on voluntary evacuation for three days. On the second day I left Daughter safe with friends and I went to volunteer some time at Sauced BBQ and Spirits in Petaluma. We fed fleeing families and hard working first responders for free. I worked the whole line by myself while “Handsome” helped in other ways.

I will never forget Chef Dustin Valette and I will always do everything I can to show him my support in the future. I worked at Valette until October 31st 2017.  I couldn’t get to work because I refused to put a fire between me and Daughter. After the fires ended, taking stock of the business we lost due to the fire and the loss of the upcoming tourist season Dustin had to make the hard decision to lay me off. The poor man actually teared up while he told me he couldn’t afford to pay me anymore. 

November 2017 – March 2018

I was on unemployment due to being laid off. “Handsome’s” parents came for Thanksgiving (which actually caused even more troubles in our relationship). Life was starting to get really hard. I was taking on more things at home like cleaning and organizing. “Handsome” made excuses to work more often and started to cheat on me with food. It sounds ridiculous, but its true. Not in a weird sexual way, just in a “I’m going to hide that I am eating two and three cheeseburgers at a time” kind of way. When I would call him out on it there would be huge fights. We stopped being a couple, to the point we didn’t even cuddle and rarely even slept in the same bed, much less other things. We were miserable.

March 2018

I found a job. It was terrible. I worked so hard for so little pay. Two weeks in to this awful job I cut the tip on my finger off. Out of work for two weeks on Workman’s Comp. Didn’t look too good to my new bosses. I went back to work and a week later they “let me go”. Still I landed on my feet. Almost immediately I found a position at Della Fattoria. This beautiful café in Petaluma California. Originally Della Fattoria started out as just a bakery. The bakery that Thomas Keller would buy his breads from before he opened Bouchon Bakery!! I worked at Della for a few months to bide my time until Daughter graduated the 8th grade. I seriously loved Della and I miss it almost everyday. Chef Steph and Chef Aiden are amazing and I learned so much in the short time I was there.

 

 

April 2018 – May 2018

Daughter had a great birthday in April. You only turn 14 once a lifetime. We threw her a Harry Potter themed party with all of her Cali friends. I did everything I could to make her last birthday in Cali a great one. I think she had fun 🙂

Daughter also graduated from 8th grade in May. It was a beautiful day, the family from Washington even came! (Ex husband and his parents came as well, they didn’t even stay for lunch. ) Heather had an OK day. It was hard for her that the other side of her family didn’t stay to celebrate her day with her.

 

June/July 2018

Daughter and I left Cali, hopefully for the last time. I landed a mentorship through the James Beard Foundation’s Women in Culinary Leadership Program. I work for Tom Douglas now, in Seattle. Great company and great benefits. Currently though its so expensive to live here we live with our Uncle and his family. It was only supposed to be for a few months while we got on our feet, but unfortunately “Handsome” left. He came up here with us two weeks after we got here, then two weeks after that he went back to Cali. There are so many reasons. We weren’t a couple anymore, some old friends of mine who also live in Washington didn’t like him and he took it badly, he didn’t like the “limited opportunities” he could find (there were so many, but he didn’t want to look). For the longest time I blamed myself. Sometimes I honestly still do, but he made his own choice. Daughter was devastated. She had been calling him Dad for over a year and he just left. Didn’t look back.

August 2018 – January 2019

I started dating, thinking a quick fling would be nice. I had been in a relationship that wasn’t a relationship for so long I needed to let loose. I made sure Daughter was always taken care of, but I wound up falling in love. I fell for a man I called Bones. Hard and fast and he lived two hours away. Honestly I had picked him for a date *because* he lived two hours away. I thought I would be safe from falling for him. He treated me so much better than any man ever had. He gave me some amazing holidays and the most wonderful birthday. Then told me that he didn’t love me, he couldn’t handle the long distance, he doesn’t know what love really is… so many excuses… Now he is gone and I’m hurting. I don’t understand. I feel unlovable, unworthy of love.

Its now February. I still feel this way. I miss him so very much. Daughter was and is wary of him. Sometimes he and I talk. He had at one point said we should just take a break, but I don’t think I can wait for a 36 year old man to grow up and decide if he actually does love me or not. As much as I love him and his family and his puppers, I can’t just cool my heels and hope that one day he realizes what I mistake it was to leave me. I have to try to move on. I know this. Its just so hard. I still dream of him and sometimes he pops into my head randomly throughout the day. Even when I am completely distracted by work, suddenly he is there and I want to tell him how much I miss him, how hard it is for me to let him go. I barely manage to not message him, by messaging my best friend Shana instead. She has been so helpful in making sure I do not embarrass myself or Bones by begging him to come back to me. He knows how I feel, and that just has to be enough.

For now I am working on my career, spending time with Daughter, and our new found family. I’m getting ready for a work trip to New York city in the next few weeks. I’ll be cooking at the James Beard House for a week. How cool is that?! I might even get the chance to see my sister whom I haven’t seen since 2004. I’m a little scared and a lot nervous, we don’t talk very often. We’ve never been very close. I want to be, I just don’t know how. Family has never been my strong point.

Anyway its now after midnight and its taken me so long to write all of this. There are so many details I’ve missed, I’ll have to either add them later or make another post explaining a lot of the things that skipped over. Goodnight. This vent actually really helped get a lot of my emotions out.

Healing, Karma, and News News News…

So many things have happened. I know its been too long, at least 6 months!, since I last updated anything. Not like there are many who actually read this, but for those who do, Hello again. There have been so many things to happen in my life in the last six months its actually difficult to actually keep it in chronological order, but for you, my dear readers I will make the effort.

January – Ended with little fuss. The two jobs were wonderful, and I loved what I was doing and most of my coworkers.

February – Handsome’s birthday party was fun, we did a Star Wars theme. I really think he enjoyed it. We had friends over and a good meal. I made him Lasagna. Roommates made his cake. I don’t quite remember Valentine’s, I believe that Handsome was working that night, but I know we exchanged gifts with everyone in the house. Handsome bought me the most beautiful necklace, a Tardis blankie (He knows I have a blanket addiction) and so many other odds and ends its really quite difficult to remember it all. I felt terrible, because I bought him a Wok. Granted he had always wanted one and therefore I made his dreams comes true, but I felt that it just wasn’t enough. He honestly didn’t seem to mind. I remember it though, and I strive to make sure that he feels treasured.

A couple days later Daughter and I had a wonderful Mommy Daughter Date. We went to a Tea House in Santa Rosa and had an amazing time!

I quit my job at the 50s Diner. I witnessed the OWNER instruct an employee to pick up a piece of chicken that had fallen on the floor and replace it in the fryer, then send it out to a GUEST!! I did not feel that turning them in to food services and ruining their lives would be a good thing to do, so I quit. It was nice not working two jobs again.

Handsome and I were looking at moving in to our own place, mostly because we couldn’t stand sleeping on an air mattress in the living room anymore, we gave Daughter the bedroom, she’s growing up and needs to have her own space, then, out of nowhere, the roommates get a notice of lease termination. The owner wants to sell the property and we have to move. They can’t afford to find a new place on their own, so BAM!! Now Handsome and I decide to help them out and stay a little while longer.So then the house hunt begins.

I do remember Handsome, Daughter, and I going on a lovely family date at Handsome’s work. It was amazing!

March – The MOVE. Roommates go on a college touring trip and Handsome and I take over the move.Handsome and I take a week off of work (I was misinformed and ended up not getting paid for it, but Handsome was able to cash in some PTO days to help cover it). We move most everything out of the house and into the new house. There are of course still a few things that did not get moved right away, as happen with most DIY moves. Some things just have to wait their turns. Handsome’s sister came to visit in that same wee and we went on a trip to Sacramento to the Capital Building. It was interesting. Though not my usual choice for a fun afternoon. What was important was Handsome and his Sister were happy and enjoyed the day.

A week after that I decide that the job I had been working just wasn’t where I should be. I sent my resume to a very famous restaurant in Napa owned by a very world renowned and influential Chef. I’m only going to say the name ONCE and then I’m not repeating it. I sent my resume on a lark to Morimoto Napa.  I now work in their prep room for four dollars less than I was getting before, for a lot more hard work, but I am given respect, fair treatment, and I absolutely LOVE IT! The food we are doing is pretty awesome and I get a hand in so many things. I’m learning so much. I’ve been working here since April and I’m fairly certain I’ll be here for a while, just not too long, I do have aspirations of my own. Yes I am excited for my job and I love what I do, but its not like I know the Chef I work for, we don’t knock back drinks after a hard night, or swap line horror stories.

(I got these images off of Google, I didn’t take them. But I don’t know who did.)

April – Quit the job at Sauced BBQ and Spirits, said goodbye to all of my coworkers there and started the new job. There was a learning curve, but thanks to my College Education it all came back fairly quickly. I’ve even been given an intern to train. She seems to resist her training, but hopefully I’ll get through to her before she goes on to her next location.

Now with May,  June, and July there really isn’t’ anything new to report. Just working and trying to get by. There were some interesting conversations with my ex husband. His new fiance left him and took their kids. She did to him what he did to me, and then some. He admitted and apologized for the hurt that he caused me. It was the most interesting and heart lightening conversation he and I had had in years. Made me remember why were friends in the first place.

August – Now here we are into August and life is going beautifully. Handsome, Daughter and I all have bicycles now and we go riding pretty often. Handsome is hinting at engagement rings and talking babies and Daughter just started seventh grade. All in all this year has really been something. Granted financially we couldn’t afford a Pepsi at the corner station, but our hearts and bellies are indeed full.

 

“Japanese Chefs believe our soul goes into our knives once we start using them. You Wouldn’t put your soul in a dishwasher!”  – Masaharu Morimoto

“Cook more often. Don’t study; just cook.”  – Masaharu Morimoto

 

 

Shameful Plug for College funds

I have come to realize that I live in an extremely expensive part of the world and I need more funding for college that I had originally thought. My tuition is paid for, but some books and equipment are not. So I decided to see if a GoFundMe account could offset a small portion of the expenses. Not sure how many people actually read my blog that know me, but there are a fair amount of readers. So if you know me, and would like to help out, here’s the link! Clicky!!  Check it out, let me know what you think! Thanks!!

Time, Colds, and Two

Sorry its been a while. The holidays came and then so did my second full time job. Just a quick note, then I have to run out to work.

Roommates left for their Christmas trip to Nicaragua. They didn’t come back until after the first of the year. Daughter left and came back from visiting her Father. She seems to have had a good time, but was very glad to be home. I guess he doesn’t pay as much attention to her when his other kids are around. To be perfectly honest he doesn’t call or text her very much even when she does have her phone. I knew once his son was born she would be forgotten. I tried to remind him that he has a beautiful and wonderful daughter, but now his fiancee’s daughter calls him “Daddy” and my daughter, who just wants HER “Daddy” is left by the wayside. A picture was posted of their “Family” but my daughter was not included. Makes one wonder…

I have not told Daughter, or most of the people close to me, but I had a miscarriage a week before Christmas. I was only about four or five weeks tops, but it still hurt. I had the picture of the test and I was going to print it and put it in the Christmas tree for Handsome. Instead, after all of the Christmas festivities, I had to tell him my bad news.  We cried together and he held me. He knows with my condition its difficult to conceive, and eve harder to take a baby to term, but I think it actually sank in for him. It was not an easy Christmas.

New Years was a little better, I set up a beautiful romantic meal for Handsome and I, though he was an hour and 45 minutes late, and we ate a beautiful dinner and watched The Hobbit. Basically just spending the whole night together cuddling on the couch, which was really nice. the next day we went and picked up Daughter from her visit.

Life has been throwing me opportunities and I feel like a fool if I don’t take them. A week before the year ended I was given a 2$ raise at my primary job, and two weeks before that I was offered a full time position at this amazing 50s diner, which I accepted. I love both of my jobs, but I think I am tiring myself out just a little too much. I’m out of the house before 7AM and not back in on bad days until after midnight. If I was eating the way I’m supposed to I’d be fine, but with roommates and the cost of food, everything is just too expensive.

I have a terrible cold right now, it has gone from my head to my chest. I feel better than I did two days ago, but worse than yesterday, though I still have to work today. People think I am silly for taking homeopathic medicines, but honestly I’d rather not poison my body with big pharmaceuticals. Though now Daughter seems to have caught it and I have to try to get her better. I don’t mind me being miserable while I my body fights off this infection, but I worry about her. I know she is strong, but how long will it take her and how long will she be out of school? So now I have to make the hard decision of having her take what I take or buying her chemical laden “medicines” to help her get well. Honestly its not an easy decision. Its hard to decide what is best for her, when I know the demons of one or the other or both.

Anyway I am off to work. Lets hope I survive. I feel terrible, but I have to work to pay the rent.

 

“Let Food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food” – Hippocrates

As the Crow Flies…

Today was a very long day. I closed the kitchen last night and was out by 10pm and then I opened the kitchen this morning. I was back in at work at 8am and didn’t leave until after 4pm. On my way home I wanted to stop at Ross to get something cute to wear to this meeting my roommate wanted us to go to. So there I was, sitting in traffic during the beginning of rush hour, I look out the window at the sky, just looking, I’m so tired I can barely think. I notice this crow trying to fly. I say trying because there was rather rough winds as we have had storms coming through all week. He keeps trying and trying to fly against the wind. Dipping and curving and circling back around, bound and determined to fly the direction he wanted to go. Now if you think about it, if he had just adjusted his angle slightly he could still fly make it to where he wanted to go, it might take him longer, and take him at first in a different direction, but eventually he would have made it. He didn’t adjust his angle, he didn’t veer from his course, he just kept trying the same things over and over. I must have sat there at least six minutes, watching this crow, and it made me think. One, that birds of flight might be just a little insane, and Two I very much feel like I am that bird. There are certain directions I want to go, but I feel like every time I turn around, the wind bursts forth in great gales and pushes me back, or keeps me in place.

Lately I seem to be in this never ending cycle of sleep, work, home (where every one else is generally sleeping) sleep, work, home. It gets lonely and because I feel so out of sync with everyone else in the house I start to feel left out and forgotten. I come home to cold meals as if I am a single woman living alone. Generally I stay up late after I get home from work and I do homework or watch HULU to unwind. Then I lay down and try not to make too much of a ruckus getting comfortable (no small feat) because Handsome has to be up and out the door by 730am. I barely make enough to make ends meet, with no financial easement in sight. To be perfectly honest I am making even more financial hardship for myself by attending school again. I’m not getting enough sleep, I’m constantly tired, and I feel like I am working toward an impossible dream.

But, its my dream. Its not something that just sits and waits. Its something that no matter how far away it seems, I should strive for. I get depressed and instead of backing off or giving up I work harder. So maybe I am that crow, right now I may not be getting very far, but as soon as the wind dies down I’ll be off like a rocket!

 

Chefs have a new opportunity – and perhaps even an obligation – to inform the public about what is good to eat, and why. -Rene Redzepi

Patience, Apple juice, and Dreams…

Happy Holidays dear readers!! So I’m sitting here drinking my very favorite beverage, Martinelli’s Apple Juice, not the sparkling kind, just the regular, and I realize the start of the next leg of my education is drawing ever closer! Believe it or not I STILL don’t have my login information settled and my first “class” (meaning the orientation class) starts on MONDAY next week!! I’m still waiting on the school to get me the right information. /Sigh I’ve never really been a patient person, and I have always disliked having to wait on other people so that I may get something done. Honestly I am sure it is not their fault and I truly am very excited to be attending their degree program. I mean seriously, click the link and see what I’ll be doing!

CLICKY!!!

Can you just imagine what I can do with this degree as well as my associates in culinary arts? The world will be my literal OYSTER and I the sought after pearl! *dreamy sigh* lol okay so its not really that impressive, but the ideas that I have to use both degrees I believe actually are. I just need time to put together the business plans and find buildings and licensing and finish the education process and just go through a myriad of red tape, but honestly it will all be worth it in the end. I will be able to show Daughter that her Mommy has goals and drive and I will prove to myself that I could do it all along!

One day I will have the most impressive business, and I will have brought it all to fruition because I wanted to prove myself worth of my daughter. There is nothing more precious to me or more important than her, and showing her that no matter what happens in your life, there is always still time to brush yourself off and try again, or try a different angle. I have to remind myself everyday that there is no set way to live your life, just multitudinous moments of trial and error.  Well here are some trials, lets see where I can avoid errors!

 

 

There are no secrets to success, its all about mise en place. – Frank Jock, Corporate Executive Chef at Wayne Farms (as of January 2015)

 

 

 

Shameless

Take a look at my new blog Table for 2, and give some feedback 🙂 Maybe even give some restaurant ideas for us to go to. 😉

Eating Whip Cream at 2 a.m.

So honestly is there anything that can help you relieve stress better than getting home after 1 a.m. and beating the crap out of some heavy cream and sugar by hand? I’m sure there are, but at this point in time, its exactly what I needed.

Today started out pretty great,I straightened the Christmas tree and put the lights on, had an amazing homemade brunch with Handsome and Daughter, then kissed them both and ran off to work. Ah, work. Usually my home away from home. I love my job, and I generally adore the people there. Tonight however, it was very difficult to even like a few of them. Let me tell you how my day went from great to please check my temp, I’m pretty sure I’m DONE!!!

So there are three MEN at my work that seem to have a serious problem lately. As I cannot use their real names I will be using fake ones, and give you a slight background on each.

Gusteau (because he is a tiny, angry Frenchman and it makes me happy to think of him as a cartoon). Gusteau was kicked off the line and made “Primary Sanitation Technician” because he seemed to think that the recipes were just “suggestions” and his way was always better. He now cleans the dry goods area, the walk-in, and takes out the trash.

Jalapeno (for hopefully obvious reasons as well as he seems to have a rather large stick stuck somewhere unpleasant, I do hope you get the reference…). Jalapeno is an interesting one. He seems nice to your face and yet behind your back he is definitely NOT. He seems to hang in the stoner crowd, but just at the edge so as not to get his hands dirty. He likes to cook, but will find ways to get out of cleaning as much as possible. He and I work the line together. Meaning we work at stations that are literally right next to each other.

Teflon (things seem to slide off his back he is so nonchalant, and you can’t stick anything to him, nothing is ever his fault). Teflon here is usually a nice guy. He keeps to himself generally and gets his job done, though he is the first one to point a finger if something goes wrong, unfortunately that finger usually points toward me. Mostly because he and I work the line together too.

Sometimes the three of us (Jalapeno, Teflon, and myself) work the two stations together as one. As we did for part of the night tonight. Generally this is not a big problem, we have learned to dance around one another with hot spatulas, throwing burning plates into the busser tub under the grill with a quick “hot behind” or darting “behind” to grab another loaf of bread. (You would not BELIEVE the amount of BREAD we go through!) Generally this is all done with a sense of camaraderie and even a few jokes. Lately though, I feel this wave of resentment coming from them like steam out of a C-VAP. I’m not sure why, maybe they feel betrayed because I’m training for the management position? It could be that they don’t like that I backed off of how much work I was doing. I decided I couldn’t make myself indispensable in my position or they would never promote me. I couldn’t take another “We NEED you in that position, you’re the best we’re got!” I want to move up and I know I could handle it with the right training, so I decided I wasn’t going to do twice as much work as the men anymore.

Now any woman in the industry that has worked in multiple kitchens will tell you that its not equal between men and women. This is not news, especially since this runs rampant in many many different career paths, but I think its more hurtful in a kitchen. The man you work with in a kitchen don’t care about your feelings, or if you get hurt. They don’t just to your rescue if the grease splatters you and you get a nasty burn.They’re pirates, and if you expect to work the line with the best of them, you’ve got to be a pirate too. Just read Blood, Bones, and Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton, an interesting read to be sure, but she does talk a little (okay a VERY little, but its still a good read) about how woman must work harder than men to prove themselves in the kitchen. Like men have sole right to working in the industry and any woman that wants “in the club” so to speak, must earn her place with blood, sweat, and tears, times two! Also see here GAH! It makes me furious sometimes, but on to my point.

Lately Gusteau has been needing an attitude adjustment. Just last week, while he was helping out the Pit, I brought over a few dishes, and asked for some of them as soon as he could, He got angry and said “No” we got into a slight argument that ended with him shouting “F*** YOU!!”.  I think his ban from cooking ANYTHING in the restaurant a few months ago has started to get to him or something. Normally while he isn’t  pleasant he is at the very least tolerating of the work and the people around him. Recently this has changed. He has become angry and basically does what he wants. Today instead of doing his normal job he decided he was going to work in the Prep room and get in the way, while the bog boss ran out to get something we were running short on. As I have no actual authority I couldn’t very well tell him to get back to lugging the rubbish, instead I wound up cleaning the prep area and scrubbing the walk-in floor. Both of which are Gusteau’s regular tasks. Thank goodness Jalapeno was Mid today, or the line wouldn’t have made it while I was cleaning.

Today Jalapeno was mid-shift. He came in at noon and left at eight. No big deal, he is supposed to break people and do some pre-cleaning before he hits the road. We at least I got my break. This generally wouldn’t really upset me too much, I mean I understand that sometimes you get hit at weird times and you just can’t fit in a “switch and wipe” (putting product in clean containers with correct name and date and wiping down the unit) for the rolltops, or even a quick wipeout for the lowboys. I get it, I really truly do, but he has done this two weeks in a row now, where every time he works mid, he has decided he doesn’t have to help us clean anything! Its okay though, right? I still have Teflon today, no big deal, he and I can handle it. HA!

Teflon got cut an hour and a half before closing tonight. He was told “get as much done as you can right now and then beat feet” He took that to mean “barely wrap your station,send the salamander to the pit, make yourself a burger, and beat feet” So not only did I have to do half of Gusteau’s work today I wound up cleaning two stations completely by myself, which wouldn’t have been a huge thing if this type of thing hadn’t been happening more and more in recent weeks. Then to top it all off, I still had to do the after hours snack menu, granted its only one item, but when you find out that one of the key components was thrown out and not replaced and you have to make it on the spot, while running two stations and trying to clean you get a bit frustrated. Then you think “okay its 10:30 and we’re dead, I can get it all cleaned up now, then wait and see if any more orders come in.” Uhhh, NOPE! 10:30:10 BAM! Snack… okay no bog deal its just one. slap it together, plate it up, start cleaning like mad. Okay almost done just the wall and sweep… and BAM! BAM! BAM! Three at once! Well alrighty then, not too bad, but when it comes out to six pieces that you cut in half and plate, and you’re using the flattop AND frying pans and knives, cutting boards, plates, spoons, you realize how much you still have to clean! By the end of it all I was angrily muttering to myself about how Teflon fled in terror at the mention of helping clean and how Jalapeno had slunk away before anyone could stop him. I must have sounded like a mad woman.

Now though, I am home and having beaten beautiful still peaks into that heavy cream and written this very long post I feel that I can take a hot bath (because I am FREEZING!!!!) and then fall into blissful slumber. Goodnight all!

 

 

But it’s a double-edged sword; you get notoriety because you’re a woman, but do you really want the notoriety because you’re a woman? You want to be known just because you are a great chef. – Patricia Yeo